on visiting graves
im going to visit my grandma's grave tomorrow. she's been dead for 3 years, but i've never really found the courage or reason to actually go. i'm not really sure why i've not bothered going before now. i guess i kept putting it off for reasons unknown. what broke me from putting it off forever was me getting a letter; apparently, its been 3 years since she died, and for her to remain at her grave we have to pay a fee.
i loved my grandma. she was kind, and smart, and storied... she'd lived a long and eventful life. now that i'm hearing other sides of her story, maybe not the best one, but who has? i felt a certain warmth from her i never felt from my grandpa. when he died i barely felt any sadness, in stark contrast to my grandma's death that left me well and truly grieving. i think what made it worse was i never spent as much time with her as i would've liked. i guess that's true for every death, but my family was separated by distance more than most and i'd promise myself i would make up for lost time once i move to her city for uni. didn't really pan out. because of financial reasons, i couldn't even attend her funeral.
one of my warmest memories during that time stems from her death, actually. i was on a walk with a friend of mine, to try and distract myself from my loss. while i managed to have a few hours where i forgot, it all got too much for me right around when it was time to go home. an uncontrollable flood of emotions overtook me and i started to sob. one of my neighbors, a family friend, told me to come over to her place. she insisted on serving me a cup of hot cocoa despite me unconvincingly telling her i was fine and needed nothing. she told me to talk about my grandma and my fondest memories of her. it was exactly what i needed back then, a way to release my feelings and stop repressing them. it was a lesson i didnt really take to heart, unfortunately, but i'll be forever grateful to my neighbor for helping me so much. she's one of the kindest souls i know.
I'm writing this two days later, after having visited. It was an... okay? experience? I had a lot of trouble trying to find her grave, and when I did it was in bad shape (thanks, orthodox church) but it was nice to go and remember. Lots of memories came back to me. I was sad, obviously, but I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily.
